No need to worry people. Icabod Crane is alive and well and working as an electrician at Baptist.
posted by Sadie at 3:37 PM

Oh my ears..and eyes. They are burning off!! And what is that smell? Jesus. CH-eryl and Dan are buzzing around my desk like gnats. 300 pound gnats.

Now Dan is comparing Die for Lesses. Of course, the one next to his house is the best. Oh of course. Then he says that the one on 23rd has good produce. Maybe if you enjoy tapeworms with your oranges. I would rather eat my own shit than anything produce from Die for Less - at least I know my own shit hasn't been out in the Mexican tarpits for eight days. Now he's claiming that his Die for Less (he owns the store? interesting) has more ethnic foods. Seeing as there's probably no food that Dan hasn't consumed - I take his word on this one.
posted by Sadie at 3:36 PM

Yet one more annoying email from Dan:

Oklahoma's legislature is not the only body of lunatics! Kentucky wants to buy a sub.

But then Oklahoma already owns a sub [USS Batfish]

A RESOLUTION encouraging the purchase and vigorous use of the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class submarine.
WHEREAS, in the past few years the scourge of the casino riverboat has been an increasingly significant presence on the Ohio River; and
WHEREAS, the Ohio River borders the Commonwealth of Kentucky; and
WHEREAS, the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe; and
WHEREAS, no good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens;
NOW, THEREFORE,
Be it resolved by the House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:
Section 1. The House of Representatives does hereby encourage the formation of the Kentucky Navy and subsequently immediately encourages the purchase and armament of one particularly effective submarine, namely, the USS Louisville 688 VLS Class Submarine, to patrol the portion of the Ohio River under the jurisdiction of the Commonwealth to engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.
Section 2. The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin' so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.


Dan

The views expressed do not reflect those of Integris Health.
They may not reflect the author's views after he has his coffee.

Now I feel this email reveals several things about Dan's character.

Thing 1: Dan has no life. Anyone who even knows that Oklahoma has a sub, has no life. Also, who cares? Every state probably owns a sub for some reason.

Thing 2: Dan is a sucker. If you read this email (it's stupid so you don't have to) you would quickly realize that it is a JOKE!! No sub is going to take out river casino boats and no legislation has words like "whoopin". Dan obviously didn't read the email and in his eagerness to impress us with his political prowress he, once again, proves his idiocy.

Thing 3: Dan is a corporate drone. The quip at the end. What the fuck IS that???? I hate Integris so much. I would never ever try to enforce them in my email. And my god, coffee jokes haven't been funny since coffee was invented.
posted by Sadie at 9:13 AM

Wow. Dan is really raking it in today. And by it I mean annoyance balloons...or something. So Dan tells this story and I'll translate. I know it word for word since I've now heard it like five times. It's called Alex Calls For Help.

Alex is sitting on the floor and we (Dan and his mute wife Carol) notice that he's talking. I (Dan) pick up the phone and hear - Alex's grandparents! - I tell Carol not to hang up. (She tries to tell Dan to fuck off but it comes out "marahdsga") It seems that Alex has seen his mother dial Phone Memory and #1 so many times that he did it! And his grandmother says that at first there was no sound when she picked up the phone, then she heard a giggle, then she said "Alex is that you?" and he said "I want to talk to papa!" Can you believe that? He dialed them.

Then Dan looks at me and CH-eryl like we're supposed to piss ourselves with the meer thought that his child could use a phone at age 2. Neither of us do. In fact, neither one of us is even remotely impressed. I'm totally with CH-eryl on this one. She actually says "I bet he just dialed it while playing with the phone." Yeah dumbass. Way to tell it CH-eryl. He was probably quiet on the line because he was shocked to hear someone. Why? Because he's like a year and half and has no idea what he's doing EVER. Also we learn what a brat the rat is because he instantly tells his grandmother to get off the phone. Who has a phone where a child can reach anyway?

They're just lucky the little fuck didn't dial 911.
posted by Sadie at 12:02 PM

Aw. I feel sorry for this poor girl. Dan is giving her a lecture about turning off the computers...because someone turned them off before she got here so she gets lectured. In Dan's twisted mind somehow this makes sense. And she's sitting there about to break down drooling, hallucinating and here I am not doing a damn thing. He keeps on going. Now she's getting a lecture about windows 98. She does not care about windows 98..she's wishing she had just shot herself at the door and gotten it over with.

Dan is such an asshole. He doesn't make any sense which makes him an idiot asshole and that's the absolute worse. Maybe someone turned that computer off cause it's a piece of shit..ever thought about that one Dan. Does anyone ever use that computer?

CH-eryl told me to make a sign that says: Yes, these computers are on and available for use.

But I think the sign should say: These computers here with the teeny moniters are complete peices of shit. Please refer to Dan for definition of shit. Thank you, Mgmt.
posted by Sadie at 10:00 AM

I have hurt my back. I am suffering from a back injury. I hurt it picking up the mail. Yes, the mail that came 2 hours early and threw off my whole day along with my back. That mail. Although, it was nice cause the strange man who usually brings it did not. Instead, the spiky haired kid dropped it off. Nice. Now all I have to do is think of an excuse as to why I'm just sitting here doing nothing.

Oh yeah the excrutiating pain in my back might work.
posted by Sadie at 11:48 AM